4 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Avoid Conflict
First things first, I know that conflict is uncomfortable and frankly an unbearable part of life. Nonetheless, however, it is a part of life. I have struggled with conflict in my life, like most, and have come to the conclusion that having conflicts, no matter the size, are vital to the relationships in your life, and simply your well-being as a human being.
A conflict is a clash of interest. Collectively, we as a society tend to avoid conflict as much as possible, sometimes even doing anything we possibly can to avoid it, such as, withdrawing, staying silent or straight up abandoning our own belief. What we need to realise is this reaction to conflict, is still conflict. But, this reaction internalises the issue at hand. Eventually going on to create a conflict within ourselves. When that realisation was made by me (with help from many sources), I was mind blown. I was also disappointed, upset and annoyed with myself. I had been avoiding conflict so much that it had become standard for me to wrestle with thoughts and wrongdoings within my relationships alone. When really, all I had to do was approach a topic in the right way and get my opinion out, so that I didn’t have to think about saying it for the next week or however long. Annoying. I’m sure you’ve done this too and know it is a strong suffocating struggle.
A big reason people avoid conflict, or ‘be nice’, or accidentally become pushovers, is to avoid conflict and gain approval from others. Realistically, the world demands you to be less ‘nice’ because otherwise, you become depressed. But, because it is uncomfortable, one finds a reason to shut down. Sadly.
Avoidance of conflict lacks nutritional value. You need to say how you feel, otherwise, as I’ve said, you will battle out that conflict in your mind. You will begin to feel as though you don’t have a voice because you haven’t given yourself one. Then, you will lose all self-confidence. That’s no fun, is it? No. Stop avoiding conflict and be happy.
“If you are not capable of cruelty then you are vulnerable to those who are” — Jordan Peterson.
You should be thinking about what you’re having for dinner or obsessing about a dream of yours. But instead, you’re thinking about the tone a friend of yours used with you that you didn’t like, but you didn’t say anything about it. What you’re doing when avoiding conflicts is letting those in your life recognise that you let comments/actions that probably shouldn’t be said or done, slide. People know what they’re doing. Therefore, if you stay silent in the face of the wrong, you’re letting it go without consequence and pretty much agreeing with it. Ouch. Boundaries, everyone deserves to have boundaries, and those boundaries should be respected. So, get some. Imagine, for a moment, if everyone was nice in the face of wrong all the time. The world would be one awful, awful wasteland.
Sometimes the hardest things in life lead to the most positive outcomes and biggest accomplishments. Conflict certainly comes under that category. Here are 4 reasons why you shouldn’t avoid conflict.
#1: Avoiding conflict is conflict.
Awkwardly, this is a fact. Like I’ve mentioned previously, a way that most people deal with conflict is to ignore it. However, this is still conflict. The conflict though only exists inside. You decide to swallow your words, only to drown in them later, in an ocean of anger, disappointment and straight-up irritation. You sacrifice yourself in order to not get into an uncomfortable conversation. Why do you do this? One reason is that you want to be ‘nice’ and not cause the other person to feel bad because they may be wrong, or because you know how awful conflict is and don’t want to push it onto others in your life. Two, because you’re scared. You think its easier to battle within yourself than possibly have a simple conversation with whomever it may concern. But, you will learn this is not correct. If only it was haha. But it is not.
Why do you sacrifice your mind for the mind of another? Because you are being nice? No. You are a person too, and in doing what you’re doing, you’re not being nice. See what I mean? You matter, and if you need to shy away from conflict so hard that it makes you feel bad, whether that’s because you need to be bolder or you’re scared of the other person(s) involved in your potential conflict, you need to either take a deep breath and say how you feel or drop that person(s) from your life. Hopefully, not the latter, but, in some cases that is the right call. Essentially, you should never feel like you can’t say how you feel. One way or another you’re going to express your feelings, and it would be a whole lot easier if you could get answers from the other person than create several theories and possible outcomes in your mind. Do yourself a favour and speak up. Be nice to yourself, you matter.
#2: Conflict can and should be healthy.
When it comes to conflict, most people imagine it to be a huge blowout, with tears, screaming and possibly physical violence. I think this idea of conflict was birthed by TV and movies along with the media, but that’s just my theory. Now, this type of conflict can and does happen. But, it doesn’t have to be this way. Luckily, in this life, you get to communicate and hold yourself in a way that you choose. Most people like to ignore this to blame others for their actions, or in other words, be victims. Don’t be a victim, you’ll get nowhere being a victim.
If you decide to educate yourself in the appropriate way to deal with conflict, then, you will feel more comfortable when the conflict inevitably rises. Once you do this you’ll be able to move forward with the person/people where the conflict existed. Even with a further understand each other. You don’t want to hold back your feelings, build resentment and eventually end the relationship and have to restart all over again. Choose to be uncomfortable for a moment to be better off going forward rather than the opposite. Hairily, its the better route.
#3: Conflict allows relationships to strengthen, not weaken.
Building from the final points of the last question, conflict can be a good thing for relationships. Like I’ve said, conflict is a clash of interest. Now, this means that there are a few possible outcomes for conflict. One outcome would be that those involved work out an issue and realise that they simply were not aware of what was causing angst and will better knowledge move forward together. Agreeing to disagree can be a perfect resolution for a conflict. Two people can have a difference of opinion and remain friends. Again, the media has created the idea that this is not possible, but it is. This is real life. Moreover, if two people can healthily disagree and continue to be friends, they’ll likely be stronger as a collective. They could even turn it into a playful joke, why not? Finally, if the issue proves to be deeper than once thought or, in your opinion detrimental to your values by being associated with such opinions, thoughts or actions; then, it may be right to part ways with that person. Now, this may be hurtful. After all, maybe you don’t want to lose them or it’s awkward because you work with them etcetera. But, it is better to have less, higher quality friendships than more, hollow ones. Quality over quantity. Remove the deadwood.
If you stick to how you feel and present yourself in a way that can only be perceived as positive and constructive, whatever happens, you’re golden. Rewards come to those who are unapologetically authentic.
#4: Think of the bigger picture.
People come and go in this lifetime. Truly, the only person you’re always going to be stuck with is yourself. So, why shouldn’t you be the no.1 priority in your life? You need to make yourself happy, and yes, you can find happiness through others. But, that’s only if you’re happy within yourself first. Savage I know.
Realistically, you should be able to have conflicts with those around you to work together in the best way, otherwise, things will go pear-shaped. Whether you need to look inside yourself, or if it’s those around you who need to change, that fact will always remain. Also, if you don’t resolve conflict or even potential matters you will begin to build resentment. When resentment births, it’s hard to kill. You’ll find yourself making excuses not to confront the issue, blame them, remove them from your life and then you’re alone. Being alone is okay, and you’ll feel like you’ve done the right thing, a little way down the road though, that resentment will fade. You’ll think ‘if only we could have spoken about that then’. Or, ‘it’s not so bad’ even though it was at the time. That right there is the truth. Things always feel bigger than they are because of a little thing called emotion. So, care less about the other persons’ potential reaction, say what you need to say and the world will be a better place for it. For everyone involved. Easier said than done, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.
Conflict is an uncomfortable thing and nobody will deny that. Well, only psychopaths. But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. In this life, we sometimes need to go through the bad to get to the good. In this day, we have conflict farther and fewer between because, honestly, we’ve got it pretty good. Don’t shy away from conflict. For yourself, and those relationships you care so much about. Otherwise, you could lose both.
Thanks for reading,
Tom Tozer.
